GCC Elder’s Statement on Physical and Emotional Abuse in Relation to Divorce and Remarriage

 

 

I.      A Biblical Perspective on Harmful Behavior

The Bible speaks often of protecting and guarding the afflicted and the
needy from those who abuse and harm them.  The Scriptures also
speak of the injustice of refusing to stand up for the rights of the
oppressed.  God’s judgment comes upon nations and individuals who
ignore those rights.  These fundamental principles are found in
both the Old and New Testament.

A.    Old Testament principles of care for the afflicted

Specifically, the word means to force submission and to punish or inflict pain upon
(TWOT) In general, the word Hebrew “afflicted” refers to one who has
been exploited and wrongfully impoverished (NIDOTTE).  The word can
include mental and emotional anguish such as Sarah brought upon Hagar
(Genesis 16:6) or intense economic deprivation and physical abuse such
as that which the Egyptians brought upon the Israelites (Exodus
1:11-12).  Thus, the word has a broad range and identifies the
victim of some pain, injury, or harm, either physically or mentally,
often associated with recurring treatment or events (Logos)

1.      God hears and does not forget the cries of the afflicted

Ps 9:12 For He who requires blood remembers them; He does not forget the cry of the afflicted.

2.      God’s care and provision provide hope for the afflicted

Ps 9:18 For the needy will not always be forgotten, Nor the hope of the afflicted perish forever.

3.      The Lord rescues the afflicted and brings them to safety

Ps 12:5 “Because of the devastation of the afflicted, because of the groaning
of the needy, Now I will arise,” says the Lord; “I will set him in the
safety for which he longs.”

Ps 18:27 For You save an afflicted people, But haughty eyes You abase.

Ps 35:10 All my bones will say, “Lord, who is like You, Who delivers the
afflicted from him who is too strong for him, And the afflicted and the
needy from him who robs him?”

Ps 72:12 For he will deliver the needy when he cries for help, The afflicted also, and him who has no helper.

Ps 149:4 For the Lord takes pleasure in His people; He will beautify the afflicted ones with salvation.

4.       The Lord has compassion on the afflicted

Is 49:13 Shout for joy, O heavens! And rejoice, O earth! Break forth into joyful
shouting, O mountains! For the Lord has comforted His people And will
have compassion on His afflicted.

5.      The afflicted can and should cry to the Lord for his salvation and rescue

Ps 40:17 Since I am afflicted and needy, Let the Lord be mindful of me. You are my help and my deliverer; Do not delay, O my God.

Ps 69:29 But I am afflicted and in pain; May Your salvation, O God, set me securely on high.

Ps 70:5 But I am afflicted and needy; Hasten to me, O God! You are my help and my deliverer; O Lord, do not delay.

6.      God will bring justice for the afflicted

Ps 72:2 May he judge Your people with righteousness And Your afflicted with justice.

Ps 72:4 May he vindicate the afflicted of the people, Save the children of the needy And crush the oppressor.

Ps 82:3 Vindicate the weak and fatherless; Do justice to the afflicted and destitute.

Ps 140:12 I know that the Lord will maintain the cause of the afflicted And justice for the poor.

7.      The Lord brings judgment on those who harm the afflicted

Pr 31:9 Open your mouth, judge righteously, And defend the rights of the afflicted and needy.

Is 11:4 But with righteousness He will judge the poor, And decide with fairness
for the afflicted of the earth; And He will strike the earth with the
rod of His mouth, And with the breath of His lips He will slay the
wicked.

8.      The Lord commands his people to care for the afflicted

Is 58:6–10 “Is this not the fast which I choose, To loosen the bonds of
wickedness, To undo the bands of the yoke, And to let the oppressed go
free And break every yoke? “Is it not to divide your bread with the
hungry And bring the homeless poor into the house; When you see the
naked, to cover him; And not to hide yourself from your own flesh? “Then
your light will break out like the dawn, And your recovery will
speedily spring forth; And your righteousness will go before you; The
glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. “Then you will call, and the
Lord will answer; You will cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am.’ If you
remove the yoke from your midst, The pointing of the finger and speaking
wickedness, And if you give yourself to the hungry And satisfy the
desire of the afflicted, Then your light will rise in darkness And your
gloom will become like midday.

B.     New Testament Principles of care for the afflicted and needy

While much of this biblical discussion takes place in the Old Testament
concerning the laws and actions of the nation of Israel, it is clear
that God cares deeply for the needy, afflicted, and oppressed. God’s
concern in this regard certainly flows into the principles of behavior
for those in the New Testament church.  God’s people have a
responsibility to care for fellow believers with love, comfort, justice,
and protection.  We have the fullness of the Scriptures and the
indwelling Spirit of God to give us wisdom, grace, strength, and
empathy.

1.      Jesus had compassion on the weary and afflicted

Mt 9:36 Seeing the people, He felt compassion for them, because they were distressed and dispirited like sheep without a shepherd.

2.      Jesus made provision for the physically afflicted and needy

Mt 4:24 The news about Him spread throughout all Syria; and they brought to Him
all who were ill, those suffering with various diseases and pains,
demoniacs, epileptics, paralytics; and He healed them.

3.      We are to love and care for the afflicted and needy in the church

Jas 1:27 Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this:
to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself
unstained by the world.

Mt 25:34–40 “Then the King will say to those on His right, ‘Come, you who are
blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the
foundation of the world. ‘For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to
eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a
stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick,
and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ “Then the
righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed
You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? ‘And when did we see
You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? ‘When did
we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ “The King will answer
and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to
one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to
Me.’

4.      We are to do good to our brothers and sisters in Christ

Ga 6:9–10 Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we
do not grow weary. So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good
to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the
faith.

5.      We are not to
afflict one another with anger, malice, bitterness, disputes, or strife;
but to be kind and forgiving

Eph 4:31–32 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put
away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another,
tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has
forgiven you.

Ga 5:19–21 Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality,
idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger,
disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and
things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned
you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of
God.

II.   Biblical Commands to Shepherd the Flock

A.    Shepherds are to Protect the Flock from Harm and Affliction

Whether it is a child harmed by a parent, a spouse harmed by their partner, or a
church member harmed by another person (believer or unbeliever), the
biblical commands for love, justice, compassion, protection, and
deliverance for the afflicted most certainly apply.  This is not an
issue that the church can overlook and expect to be blessed and
strengthened by Christ.  To overlook affliction is to hate our
brother and thus to demonstrate lack of love for God.

1 Jn 4:20 If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for
the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God
whom he has not seen.

A true shepherd will not abandon the sheep to those who might do them harm.

Jn 10:12–13 “He who is a hired hand, and not a shepherd, who is not the owner of
the sheep, sees the wolf coming, and leaves the sheep and flees, and the
wolf snatches them and scatters them. “He flees because he is a hired
hand and is not concerned about the sheep.

While it is true that God uses certain kinds of affliction to strengthen and mature his
children, it is equally true that this affliction must never come from
believers harming other believers or allowing them to be oppressed when
it is in their power or responsibility to bring protection and
provision. God Himself will hold the shepherds of the church accountable
if they ignore the wolves who come among them.

Je 23:1–2 “Woe to the shepherds who are destroying and scattering the sheep of My
pasture!” declares the Lord. Therefore thus says the Lord God of Israel
concerning the shepherds who are tending My people: “You have scattered
My flock and driven them away, and have not attended to them; behold, I
am about to attend to you for the evil of your deeds,” declares the
Lord.

B.     Abuse Constitutes a Unique Harm Against the Flock

The difficulty in the discussion of abuse is that the term “abuse” is not
commonly used in English translations of Scripture and concepts such as
affliction, oppression, and harm do not carry the same general
connotation that the word “abuse” has taken on in our culture.
Essentially, the term abuse is used of behavior so harmful that special
(and often immediate) action must be taken to protect the one being
abused. This is especially true in the case of marriage. When spouses’
sin against one another or their children, they are to be confronted and
dealt with through the processes described in Scripture. However, the
term abuse carries a special connotation of the kind of harm that
requires significant or immediate intervention to protect the one being
abused from inordinate danger.

Pr 24:11–12 Deliver those who are being taken away to death, And those who are
staggering to slaughter, Oh hold them back. If you say, “See, we did not
know this,” Does He not consider it who weighs the hearts? And does He
not know it who keeps your soul? And will He not render to man according
to his work?

Thus, while the term abuse is not “biblical” it
seems clear that there is a level of harm, oppression, or affliction,
that requires the direct intervention of the shepherds of the church to
protect members of their flock from a uniquely dangerous situation. It
is this level of harm to which the elders of GCC are assigning the term
abuse, as this is the word most commonly used in society for the
inordinate kind of harm being guarded against.

One of the primary reasons for taking such great care in defining abuse is that many of the
behaviors that society labels abuse would not fit a biblically informed
definition.

C.    Abuse in Marriage Presents a Unique Difficulty

Dealing with abuse in marriage is made even more difficult by the fact that
there is no direct discussion of what should happen in a marriage when a
spouse or children are being endangered to an inordinate degree
(abuse). The uniqueness of the Biblically defined marriage relationship
requires the family to live together in the same household with no
direct provision made for the dissolution of the family – except in the
case of death, adultery, or abandonment by an unbelieving spouse.

However, we are convinced that the Bible provides the necessary principles to
protect the flock from abuse in God-honoring ways. For this reason, the
elders of the church must use Biblical wisdom and discernment to
determine the level of harm in a relationship that requires direct
intervention, possible separation, and even dissolution of the
relationship. They must have plans in place to bring justice,
protection, comfort, and provision in all ways that are biblically
prescribed.

1 Pe 5:2–3 shepherd the flock of God among you, exercising oversight not under compulsion, but
voluntarily, according to the will of God; and not for sordid gain, but
with eagerness; nor yet as lording it over those allotted to your
charge, but proving to be examples to the flock.

This is not to say that the primary work of the church is to eliminate suffering and
affliction in the world, or that what now constitutes the demands of
the social justice, “woke,” or “me too,” culture must be accommodated.
However, for the church to ignore affliction and foster a climate of
abuse is an absolute travesty. The principles of Scripture, properly
understood and followed, will enable Grace Community Church to create a
proper atmosphere of justice, compassion, transparency, and
truthfulness, while quickly and discerningly dealing with the harm and
abuse of its members.

2 Ti 3:16–17 All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof,
for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God
may be adequate, equipped for every good work.

D.    Acknowledging the Harm of Abuse and the Sanctity of Marriage

The following definitions and resulting actions are an attempt by the
elders of Grace Community Church to clarify the nature of physical and
emotional abuse with particular attention to issues in marriage. 

As a general rule, it is the elder’s stance, that when physical or
emotional interaction in a marriage reaches the level defined as
abusive, it is grounds for marital separation, church discipline and, if
ongoing, divorce. In clear cases of abuse, separation and church
discipline may be immediately enacted. The biblical case for this is
presented in detail at the end of this distinctive.

Where the issues are less clear, intentional, ongoing counseling will be required
to determine if abuse is involved. In nearly every case, however, it is
important to have a significant amount of time in which the situation is
monitored and solutions brought to bear before divorce will be
discussed or approved.

The elders take seriously their mandate to protect and preserve the sanctity of marriage as a fundamental building
block of society and the church even as they bring protection and
provision to individual members of the church. 

The general rule of marriage, “what God has joined together, let no man separate
(Matthew 19:6b)” applies in all situations unless or until it has been
determined that sinful behavior on the part of one or both spouses
allows for the biblical dissolution of a marriage in divorce.

III. General Definitions of Abuse

A.    General definition

Abuse is defined as sinful, selfish, dominating, controlling behavior against
another person which is intentional, habitual, and harmful to the point
of creating an inordinately dangerous situation from which the
individual must be protected or removed.[1]
While abuse is not necessarily defined by its results, in every case of
abuse there is significant, measurable harm caused to the individual
being abused.

B.     Distinction between harmful and abusive

In this document, there is a differentiation made between harmful and
abusive behavior. It is our understanding that a physical or
verbal/emotional behavior may bring a certain level of harm without
being categorized as abusive. This is particularly true of
verbal/emotional behavior.

In some cases, harmful behavior, when conducted in an ongoing, intentional way, can rise to the level of abuse.

A behavior classified as harmful is not necessarily grounds for marital
separation or divorce. Behaviors classified as abusive may be grounds
for separation and possibly divorce.

C.    Distinction between difficult and dangerous

Additionally, this document makes a distinction between a difficult home environment
and a dangerous one. A home in which some level of harmful behavior is
taking place is considered to be difficult. This situation may require
ongoing counseling for a couple but is not grounds for the removal of
the spouse or children from the home. For example, if a wife yells at
her husband, lies to him, and tries to get him to admit wrongdoing when
he is innocent, this is certainly harmful, but would not necessarily be
considered abusive.

A home in which abusive behavior is taking place is considered to be

dangerous and may result in counsel for the
spouse and children to be removed from the home until it is determined
that the dangerous situation no longer exists. For example, if a husband
were to physically harm his wife, the elders might counsel immediate
separation while they work through the details of the situation.

D.    Use of psychological terms

Psychological terms such as narcissism, gaslighting, etc. may be helpful in
identifying abusive behavior in some cases. However, an ongoing
diagnosis of the situation must use biblical terms for sin so that the
behavior can be properly identified and dealt with. We desire to avoid
attaching psychological labels to individuals which then mandate some
particular response in every case.

IV.            Specific Definitions of Harm and Abuse

A.    Physical Harm and Abuse

The elders recognize that each particular situation carries its own nuance,
intensity, complexity, frequency, tone, progression, etc.. To
appreciate these multiple factors, it is helpful, and even necessary, to
systematize and standardize behavior to some degree in order to have a
quantifiable means of measuring these myriad variables. Rather than just
coldly codifying behavior, the lists below are meant to serve as a
helpful guide for the leadership on the proper responses and courses of
action.

1.      Physical Harm – not automatically labeled as physical abuse

a)      Physical Intimidation

(1)   Definition

(a)   To purposely use one’s physical presence or the environment to produce
fear or force submission – this includes physical forms of sexual
coercion.

(2)   Behavior

(a)    To approach menacingly

(b)   To do damage to objects in the vicinity of the person

(c)    To raise a hand or object as if to strike

(d)   To stand close to, or over, with intent to dominate

(e)    To throw objects toward the person “without intent” to hit

(f)     To refuse to stop a sexual encounter if lack of desire is communicated (sexual coercion)

(3)   Levels

The level of a certain kind of harmful behavior can be very difficult to
determine. Again, the purpose of assigning levels is to provide some
kind of guide for church intervention.

(a)    Level 1 – One-time intimidation

(b)   Level 2 – Occasional intimidation

• May be considered abuse based on level of violence involved in the intimidation.

(c)    Level 3 – Consistent intimidation

• Nearly always considered abusive.

b)     Physical roughness

(1)   Definition

(a)   To purposely and physically touch another in a rough or potentially
harmful way – this includes unwanted physicality in sexual engagement.

(2)   Behavior

(a)    Put hand on the body in a threatening way

(b)   Try to take something from the person (phone, car keys, etc.).

(c)    Restrain the person from leaving in a rough manner.

(d)   Push, trip, or shove a person (but not into something or onto the ground in a way which causes further harm).

(e)   To engage in rough sexual behavior that is not desired or to use
greater strength to continue in sexual behavior that is not desired.

(3)   Levels

(a)    Level 1 – One- time roughness

(b)   Level 2 – Occasional roughness

• May be considered abusive based on the severity and frequency of the behavior.

(c)    Level 3 – consistent roughness

• Almost always considered abuse at this point.

2.      Physical abuse

a)      Definition

(1)  Actions that bring definitive harm to the body (bruise, injury, broken
bone, other measurable physical result) including but not limited to
beatings, sexual assault, sleep deprivation, starvation, and
confinement.[2]

b)     Levels

Not all levels of physical abuse are the same and some are much more
dangerous than others. However, all forms are considered potentially
dangerous.

(1)   Level 1

(a)    Slap – open hand

(b)   Violently shake

(c)    Shove – to the ground or into something

(2)   Level 2

(a)    Hit with an object

(b)   Punch

(c)    Tackle

(d)   Drag

(3)   Level 3

(a)    Sexual assault

• To force sexual behavior when it is being actively resisted

(b)   Starvation

(c)    Confinement

c)      Classification

(1)   Any level of physical abuse is immediately classified as dangerous.

(2)  No level of physical abuse is tolerated within Christian marriage and
church discipline is to be started for any level of physical abuse.

3.      Church leadership response to intimidation, roughness and physical abuse

a)      Warning and possible counseling for level 1 and 2 intimidation issues.

b)     Warning and required counseling for any occurrence of physical roughness.

c)     Warning, counseling, possible separation for level 1-2 physical abuse
and level 3 intimidation and roughness.

(1)   Possible report to authorities.

(2)  Possible period of separation based on the nature of the offense, the
level of frequency, and level of danger discerned.

d)     Immediate separation considered for any level 2 or 3 physical abuse offense – often long-term.

(1)   Immediate consideration of separation.

(2)   Authorities immediately contacted.

B.     Verbal/Emotional Harm and Abuse

1.      Verbal Harm

a)     Definition: The use of speech to purposefully bring harm to another by
sinfully degrading or dehumanizing them in any form.[3]

2.      Verbal manifestations

a)      Level 1

(1)   Silent treatment

(2)   Making fun of, put downs, belittling

(3)   Harmful sarcasm

(4)   Swearing

(5)   Constant criticism

(6)   Lying

(7)   Crying/pouting

(8)   Denial of the obvious

(9)   Attempts to cause questioning of one’s sanity

(10)           Constant blame, reversal of blame

(11)           Constant questioning, accusing

(12)           Demanding immediate responses or particular responses

(13)           Refusing to let the conversation lapse or drop

(14)           Forced verbal agreement

(15)           Forced acquiescence to wrongdoing

(16)           Constant interruption, overtalk

(17)           Misuses/misinterpretations of Scripture

b)     Level 2

(1)   Screaming, yelling

(2)   Evil, vile name calling

(3)   Blackmail

(4)   Threats

(a)    Self-harm/suicide

(b)   Harm to the spouse

(c)    Harm the kids

(d)   Harm reputation

3.      Emotional Harm/Scheming[4]

a)     Definition – the intentional use of sinful manipulation and control
behaviors that bring harm to a person’s mental, emotional, or physical
state.

b)     Manifestations

(1)   Requiring constant knowledge of whereabouts

(2)   No privacy

(3)   No outside friendships, isolation from family

(4)   Withholding finances

(5)   Dictating a personal standard and demanding performance up to that standard

(6)   Limiting or denying exercise of personal freedoms

(7)   Limiting access to benefits

(8)   Demanding complete obedience

(9)   Demanding full disclosure of all behavior

(10)  Limiting access to the abusers resources, assets, personal items

4.      Clarification: Verbal/Emotional harm

a)      Some level of verbal/emotional harm occurs in nearly all marriages.

b)    Ongoing counseling and encouragement for the spouse are encouraged
where there is verbal/emotional harm.

5.      Verbal/Emotional Abuse

a)      Definition

(1)  The verbal/emotional harm is intense, habitual, and coercive, for the
purpose of dominating and controlling the spouse and/or children.

(2)  The verbal/emotional harm is intense, habitual, and coercive, causing
damage that produces true danger to the welfare of the spouse and/or
children.

6.      Manifestations

a)      The verbal/emotional harm causes a destructive sense of fear, obligation, shame, or guilt.[5]

b)    The verbal/emotional harm overwhelms the ability to carry on basic life
functions (eating, sleeping, etc.).

c)      The verbal/emotional harm causes ongoing anguish and despair.

d)     The verbal/emotional harm causes physical deterioration.

7.      Clarification

a)     The line between verbal/emotional harm and verbal/emotional abuse is
much more difficult to determine than physical abuse.

b)     It may take many counseling interactions to determine what level of harm is actually taking place.

c)     Emotional abuse is real and can be even more dangerous and have longer
ongoing consequences than physical abuse.

d)     Verbal/Emotional abuse does not force an abuser to respond in a certain manner.

Every case of verbal/emotional abuse is different and has unique
manifestations. Additionally, there is a level of responsibility that
must be maintained by the one being abused. The abuser cannot force the
abused to respond in a certain way either mentally or emotionally. This
understanding allows the victim to retain the proper freedom of
conscience before God. However, it must be acknowledged that even the
strongest of believers is often overwhelmed by the constant
verbal/emotional attacks of an abuser and may manifest symptoms that are
not directly within their control such as: inordinate fear, panic
attacks, sleeplessness, upset stomach, post-tramautic stress, and
others.  Additionally, even when anguish and despair are properly
acknowledged through lament to God, Biblical shepherding may require a
removal of the victim from the situation to grant them rest and relief.

8.      Verbal/Emotional abuse classifies the marriage as dangerous

a)     When the stipulations for verbal/emotional abuse are met the marriage
is classified as dangerous.

b)     Church discipline is then enacted on the basis of the danger ongoing pattern of
sin inherent in emotional abuse.

9.      Difficult vs. Dangerous marriage

a)     Marriage in which there is emotional harm, but not physical or
emotional abuse, are classified as difficult but not dangerous. That is,
the verbal/emotional harm does not rise to the level of abuse and can
be dealt with through a strong spiritual walk and the spiritual
strengthening that the church helps provide.

b)    This is often a wisdom/discernment decision on the part of the
elders/counselors involved in the situation and may not be agreed upon
by the person being counseled.

c)     This classification often involves the willingness of the person being
harmed to take hold of spiritual resources they possess and the help
that the church can offer. When this is refused, the person grows weak
and may feel like they are being abused, when the situation does not
warrant that classification.

d)    Additionally, the one being harmed must be encouraged and strengthened
to think Biblically. Otherwise they are unable to properly assess the
nature of their situation. This often happens when they have been
exposed to secular counseling and advice concerning the nature of abuse.

10.  Church Leadership Responses to Verbal/Emotional Harm or Abuse Within Marriage – Short-Term

a)      Warning and required counseling for any demonstrated pattern of verbal/emotional harm.

b)    Warning, required counseling, and possible separation for any
verbal/emotional harm which is determined to rise to the level of
verbal/emotional abuse.

V.   Elder Responses to Abuse Within Marriage – Long-Term

A.    Physical and Verbal/Emotional abuse – Dangerous marriage

1.      The elders will pursue church discipline for physical abuse and/or verbal/emotional abuse.

a)     If the abuser does not repent, they are put out of the church through
the levels of church discipline.

b)     If the abuser does repent, then careful monitoring is put in place to
determine if/when the couple can be safely put back together.

c)     If the abuser repents and is not put out of the church, the spouse does
not have Biblical grounds of pursuing divorce.

2.      If an abuser does not repent and is put out of the church they are treated as an unbeliever.

The nature of the final step of church discipline is that the church has
corporately declared that the disciplined person is acting like an
unbeliever and therefore they are treated as such.

If a person has been declared to be an unbeliever, then Paul’s allowance for a believer
to be divorced from an unbeliever who abandon’s the marriage comes into
effect. This counsel if found in 1 Corinthians 7.

1 Co 7:12–17 But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who
is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not
divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?
Only, as the Lord has assigned to each one, as God has called each, in
this manner let him walk. And so I direct in all the churches.

a)     If an abusing spouse is considered to be an unbeliever and they want a
divorce, then the innocent spouse is commanded to “let them go.”

b)    If an abusing spouse is considered to be an unbeliever and yet does not
want to leave the marriage, then the innocent spouse may pursue divorce
on the grounds of 1 Corinthians 7:12-17.

(1)   The spouse is an unbeliever.

(2)   The spouse is not “consenting” to live in the marriage.

The elders believe that “consent” is more than just a desire on the part of the unbeliever to physically remain in the marriage.

(a)   Consent seems, at least, to be an agreement to abide by the marriage
covenant as fundamentally described in Scripture. Even unbelievers are
capable of basic acts of commitment, communication, concern, and change
of behavior.

• Basic care and concern
• Basic communication and provision
• Basic changes in harmful behavior

(b)   Consent must be more than just wanting the benefits of marriage without the commitments.

c)      Additional reasons for considering abuse to be a violation of the “consent to be married.”

(1)  The marriage couple is called in this passage to “peace” which is
fundamentally breached when one spouse is unbelieving and practically
breached when the unbelieving spouse refuses to make a sincere attempt
to live out the covenant of marriage.

(2)   The elders
believe that “Letting the unbeliever leave” can include initiating
divorce when the unbelieving spouse is not truly “consenting” to the
marriage yet refuses to leave because of the benefits of having a spouse
(no child support, physical intimacy, care and provision). In this case
the unbelieving spouse would be seen as already having left the
marriage in any true sense by refusing to live consent to its
responsibilities and requirements.

(3)   Additionally,
a reason to allow for divorce in the case of an unbeliever who is being
abusive in the marriage yet refuses to leave, is that the
sanctification God provides may not be in effect.

(a)  The primary reason for having the unbeliever stay is that they might
come to a saving knowledge of Christ and that God can provide
“sanctification” through the believing spouse which allows the children
to be “holy. While, admittedly, this is a very difficult passage, the
“sanctification” and “holiness” described seem to be, at least in part,
based on the “consent” of the unbeliever in not violating the marriage
covenant in substantial ways.  If the unbeliever is violating the
marriage covenant, then there is question as to whether the
“sanctification” that God provides is still in effect and thus the
children will be harmed in ways that violate God’s design for marriage.

(4)  Another reason for allowing divorce in the situation of a dangerous
marriage is that the purpose of seeing the unbeliever saved through the
marriage is broken when the unbeliever is breaking the marriage
covenant.

(5)   Finally, Paul states that “God has
called us to peace” and uses this as a reason for allowing an unbeliever
to leave a marriage. This seems to indicate that the unbeliever was
unable to mask hatred and anger over the spiritual state of the
believing spouse, thus causing a lack of peace which warrants their
leaving. In the case of unrepentant and unchanging physical abuse, there
is certainly not “peace” and there seems to be warrant for the believer
to “let the unbeliever go” for that reason.

d)     The elders believe that remarriage is allowed when divorce is pursued on the grounds described above.

(1)  The passage states that a spouse who has “let the unbeliever leave” is
not under bondage in such cases. We would take this to mean, at least,
that there is nothing hindering the abandoned party from remarrying in
the future.

B.     Verbal/Emotional harm – difficult marriage

1.      Church discipline enacted for ongoing, habitual manifestations of verbal/emotional harm.

a)     Even if the level of emotional harm is not considered abusive, the
individual will be confronted by the leadership of the church to change
their behavior. If they refuse to do so then church discipline is
enacted and if there is no repentance then the spouse will be put out of
the church and declared to be an unbeliever.

b)    This, in and of itself, however, would not allow for the spouse who is
being harmed to pursue divorce. If the unbeliever consents to live in
the marriage at a level deemed within the “marriage” covenant agreement –
i.e. emotional harm, not abuse – then, according to 1 Corinthians 7,
the believing spouse is required to continue in the marriage.

c)      This would be termed a difficult, but not dangerous marriage.

C.    Closing Thought

All of these case involve difficult decision which must be made in the
power of the Holy Spirit, according to the Word of God, and after much
careful discussion. It is the elders desire to honor the Lord in both
protecting the flock and guarding the sanctity of marriage.

 

[1] ACBC’s definition of abuse forms the basis for this definition.
However, we believe it is necessary to specify the uniquely dangerous
nature of behavior that is to be called abuse so that the definition
cannot be interpreted loosely to include behavior that is harmful but
not abusive. The ACBC statement reads: Abuse is the pattern of sinful,
selfish mistreatment of another made in God’s image, whereby moral
agency, freedom of conscience informed by God’s Word, and God-given
human dignity is violated by harmful acts (physical, sexual, verbal) or
schemes to perpetuate oppression and unbiblical control (Exodus 3:9-10;
Deuteronomy 26:6-8; Psalm 10; Isaiah 19:20; Isaiah 30:12-13; Isaiah
49:26; Matthew 20:25-28). Acts of abuse are vile practices arising from
selfish ambition and bitter jealousy, born from sinful desires in the
heart (James 3:16).

 

[2] Part of this definition is drawn to ACBC Statement on Abuse. The
category of physical or sexual coercion was removed as we believe this
would come under physical intimidation, not abuse.

[3] We believe that the ACBC definition of verbal abuse is too broad and
fits our definition of verbal harm. We do not believe that a single, or
occasional act of most of these behaviors can be considered abuse. The
ACBC definition is as follows: Verbal abuse involves patterns of
degrading and dehumanizing communication in all forms, including threats
of violence to spouse or child, threats of continued abuse, threats of
suicide and self-harm, lying, and manipulation. Spiritual manipulation
may happen when misuses or misinterpretations of Scripture are enforced
in order to be a stumbling block, oppress, or control another person.

[4] The ACBC statement on abuse uses the word “scheming” for forms of
“abuse” that are not verbal or physical. The ACBC definition of scheming
is as follows: Scheming includes intentional efforts and plotting by
the abuser to inflict harm by threatening future abuse, continuing
abusive behaviors, concealing past abuse, or hiding the scope of the
abuse. Scheming against another can consist of limiting access to
material assets, isolating from social relationships, and controlled
monitoring of the individual. While scheming can take many forms, it is
marked by evil intentions and using resources to inflict harm (Psalm
5:6; Psalm 7:14; Psalm 35:4; Psalm 40:14; Psalm 70:2; Psalm 71:10).
Restricting material assets in order to perpetuate abuse may include,
but is not limited to, intentionally cutting off access to finances,
neglecting familial fiduciary responsibilities, limiting ability to
communicate and travel, and blackmailing. This obviously does not
include the biblical stewardship of resources like budgeting.
Restricting relational support in order to perpetuate abuse may include,
but is not limited to, isolating the abused from family, church,
friends, and other social connections and deceiving outsiders for the
purpose of concealment. This does not include the clear biblical
principle of leaving and cleaving. Monitoring the abused in order to
perpetuate abuse may include, but is not limited to, surveillance
through cameras, cellphone activity, financial transactions, other
technology, or co-conspirators.(3) This does not include the use of
technology for safety or proper stewardship of such things as security
cameras, cellphones, bank statements, etc.

[5] Darby Strickland, Is It Abuse: A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims (New Jersey: P&R Publishing, 2020), 24.